Actually it’s not me, it’s you!

Why do we find it so hard to be nice to ourselves?

After some recent rejection in my love life I have been noticing how difficult it is to treat myself with compassion and respect. Why is often our default position to be cruel and harsh with ourselves?

Why do we find it much easier to assume there is some wrong with us than to realise that it may actually be the other person with the problem?

And this us not just the case for me in romantic relationships, an inability to respect myself and my efforts is pervasive in many other situations including friendships and working partnerships.

Of course there are people at the other end of the spectrum, narcissists who cannot entertain the notion that they might be able to do anything even slightly wrong. However I definitely find myself in the former camp and ironically I am often drawn into relationships with narcissists (I suppose it is ideal for them to have someone to blame for everything…who agrees with them!)

Not quite so healthy for me…..!

So what is to be done? Mantras, meditation, therapy?

I guess nothing can really change these negative assumptions other than changing the narrative.

I actually had to mentally “sit myself down” yesterday and explain to myself that I am a good person, with good intentions. I offered someone my time and affection and they chose to reject that and act in a disrespectful manner. That is not my problem, it is theirs. I have nothing to be ashamed of and it is about time I stop ruminating on how doing things differently might have led to a better outcome.

And hence I berated myself for berating myself……but in a nice way!

I guess we all sit more predominantly on one side of the fence than the other but it is, above all, about respecting those you are in relationships with.. and most importantly that includes yourself!

Advice from a happiness student in training!

On this International Day of Happiness, it occurs to me that it has taken 40 years to work out what I need to be happy…or rather what I don’t need!

It would appear that I don’t need:

to have had children

to have a partner

to have lots of savings

to live in a home that I own

to be in a high-flying career

I think I had assumed that if you were lacking in some of these areas then you had to make up for it in others. For example I convinced myself, for many years, that since I did not have a partner and children then I should throw myself into stressful jobs and climb the career ladder. As if this would make up for my lack of happiness elsewhere.

Let me cut to the chase for anyone considering this option…don’t bother unless your career is an absolute vocation. Not only does it usually not work, it is a sure fire way to make yourself even more exhausted and unhappy.

The other thing that I had neglected over time was friends and family and this was the turning point for me. Moving closer to these important people in my life and enjoying regular quality time with them has had the most remarkable effect on my state of mind.

Long may it continue!

My old nemesis ‘Time’ and I have decided to re-evaluate our relationship

When I think about the future I feel a strange sense of calm. Strange and unusual…

Calm has certainly not been a frequent visitor in the last decade. Much more common feelings were unease and foreboding. A dread in the pit of my stomach, unable to control the passage of time and yet at the mercy of it. It felt like a constant exhausting battle against a unrelenting enemy.

When I look back at my life, it becomes clear to me that one of the dominant influences has been time. I have always been a clock watcher and I hate to be late for anything, spending a great deal of effort ensuring that I arrive at exactly the right time (not so early that I am first to arrive but not too late that I keeping people waiting!).

During my teenage years my obsession with time came to the forefront as I imagine it does for many people-pleasers.

The internal dialogue goes something like this “Do the right thing at the right time so that you don’t let anyone down. Don’t get pregnant young. Focus on gaining a career and build that career while establishing a solid and successful personal relationship. Then get married at the right time and (the biggie)…get pregnant before it is too late.”

This is a lot to achieve by the age of forty and, as I have learned the hard way, sheer effort and perseverance does not outweigh the lack of control that you have in many of these events happening at the ‘right time’.

In addition to this there is also the added minefield of choice in certain areas. Do you stay in a long-term relationship that is mediocre in the hope that it will bring kids? Do you leave that relationship and risk not meeting someone else and potentially lose your dreams of having a family? The weight of responsibility for these decisions is overwhelming and even by making courageous and authentic decisions you are unable to control their future ramifications. All of which leaves plenty of opportunity to torture yourself over being a ‘failure’.

Why are so many people controlled by their own desire to control? Are we so programmed by society’s expectations and views on what makes us ‘successful’ that we are unable to even consider that there maybe a perfectly happy and fulfilled life waiting for us that is not necessarily complying with the ‘norm’?

I think that my relationship with time has changed as I have been able to accept that the path I thought I could create is not the path that is waiting for me. And even with all those (frankly exhausting and tiresome) attempts to mould my life in a certain way, the universe still won the battle and has given me the life that was meant for me.

“We must be willing to give up the life we had planned, so we can live the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Accepting this is no easy feat in this pressurised world of unrealistic expectations but I have found that making peace with life as it unfolds has led to feelings of calmness and optimism that have been sorely lacking for decades.

It has been a long journey but at forty I feel I can finally breathe again and start enjoying the life that I have!

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